He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
