good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
