After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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