im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
