every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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