saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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