I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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