She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You may now shotgun with the bride
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
