definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
