I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
the gays at disneyland are vicious
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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