All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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