I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I have aggressive nipples.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
