Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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