Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
