I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
