i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
