I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize