Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
