I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
