OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
