well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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