guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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