just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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