We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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