Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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