I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
