My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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