I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
