If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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