I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
