Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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