do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
