So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
