U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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