just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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