jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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