I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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