guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
