The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
