everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
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I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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