my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
