just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You need a sexual gate keeper
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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