I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
