Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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