i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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