So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
