At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
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When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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