the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
