He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
