This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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