Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
