Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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