My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
