I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
