I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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