Can i not drive my cunt home
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
